Getting to Know Your Spouse - Intimately
One of the most challenging misnomers about love is that it is contingent upon our feelings. Although feelings do come into play, love has never been initiated by feelings but rather by choice. However, a choice cannot be made until people have spent intimate time getting to know or assess that person of interest. People who desire to be in a relationship should make knowing a person a priority. Usually, we confuse dating with getting to know a person.
In most cases, dating, hanging out or in some cases, sex outside of marriage, becomes the priority in the relationship. Once we feel we have put in enough dating hours, we move to the next stage which is usually marriage. Surprisingly, we never took the time to know that person properly, which then leaves many of us stupefied when behaviors begin to emerge that we never knew existed. The key to knowing someone requires one thing - intimacy.
To understand intimacy, we must know what it entails. In the Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology and Counseling it states that intimacy is “a process in which an individual expresses personal feelings and information to another….”.[1] Intimacy involves sharing the totality of oneself. It involves knowing what a person thinks, how they feel and the sharing of goals, visions or dreams. Intimacy involves knowing their heart’s desires and even their deepest fears. It involves getting acquainted with their mental, spiritual and physical sentiments. However, this level of intimacy should only be reserved for an exclusive relationship with a beloved spouse because it requires allowing someone access to your innermost feelings, secrets and desires. This part of your life should never be so callously given away, but reserved, cherished and esteemed for the person we’ve made our marriage partner.
In most cases, couples feel that sex is the quintessential part of Intimacy. I beg to differ. Although sex is an important part, it should not be held as the most essential part of the relationship. I believe that having the freedom to communicate how one feels, what they think and even desire from a relationship exonerated from any judgment is what makes intimacy indispensable. To neglect making intimacy an important part of the marriage union is like throwing away a good coat in the middle of winter. What sense does that make?
-R.Godfrey Jr.
[Most of the statements above comes from our study workbook "Building an Effective Marriage Team"]
[1]) III, L. Parrott. “Intimacy.” Ed. David G. Benner and Peter C. Hill. Baker encyclopedia of psychology & counseling 1999 : 648. Print. Baker Reference Library.
